Panara

Panara

Fby fobiusLast updated July 3, 20261,274 words
InkedScience FictionFantasyMysteryAdventureSpace OperaDystopianPoliticalTragedy
Author's note: I'm very new to writing, I'd appreciate any feedback or advice whatsoever. I'm mostly interested in overall story and character work, not so much having beautiful prose. Thank for reading.

Seek the truth for yourself; unsheath the black blade, and take out your heart.”

—Mazentyr’s Bible, Gliese 6:67.

Two blades clashed then pulled away. Jet against Silver. Kylo felt the silence of the room, like an astronaut in deep space. His heart was a drum, and breath, a respirator. Daylight and shadow painted the room like a barcode. He caught each bit of glare off the metallous decor. With each movement, he felt a cold wind pour over him—the glass-shield was misaligned. It took him out of the fight at times. He orbited his opponent in nervous steps, and made sure not to leave the dueling ring. Kylo held the black blade. He moved in. Jabbed low to his opponents side, but his intention was read, and his wrist caught. The grip was iron. He endured the sharp discomfort of his arm twisted outward, and was pulled toward his opponent; forced into a chokehold. The bicep over his neck was heavy and denied him air—he could pick up the faintest hint of lavender, it was more bothersome than the lack of oxygen. A cheeky voice whispered in his ear from under a thick mustache, “Nothing to do from here?”

“There’s plenty,” Kylo muttered with an adolescent stubbornness.

The cheeky man tightened his hold as the young man wiggled. “Not if you honor the fight,”

Kilo closed his eyes... Ungripped his knife.... Before it hit the ground, the short sword stood in mid air. His lovehandles shivered at a tingling sensation that rose from the base of his spin to the crown of his head. The inside of his mouth went numb, and it felt as though someone held a finger between his eyes. The discomfort of his body left his awareness. ‘’Take out your heart,’’ he quoted an ancient prayer in his mind; focusing his senses. The dagger swayed around and above the two men—it moved as though held by string.

“Don’t try it—” the cheeky man warned.

The knife spun like a saw, and shot at the pair; coming for Kylo’s own neck. The cheeky man threw Kylo out of the way, and staggered back. The blade stuck into the floor. The young man, still on his feet, whipped drool off his chin, and pulled the dagger from the ground. “Looks like I win. That’s three to two today, master Gideon.” Kylo gestured at the circle beneath the the cheeky man’s feet.

Gideon looked down to see himself outside the circle. He frowned, “you call tactical suicide a win,” Gideon sheathed his weapon behind a weighty belt across his waist. It was dark blue. And had a look of tough leather, with circular, crystal like plates on its face and sides. “A duel isn’t about tricks. If you really on your powers for everything, your value as a Mazentyr becomes nothing,” Gideon said.

The young man stood with a palm held out, and his weapon hovering above it. As he moved his fingers the knife followed suit. “A duel is about winning, and winning is about knowing your opponent; if I weren’t fighting you I’d have figured something else out. Plus I can’t be expected to master something I can’t use,” Kylo snapped. His skin was like cocoa against the slits of morning light. He had sharp—raven like—features, and dark kinky hair, it was scruffy, almost overgrown, and natural looking. Unlike his eyes. They were amethysts. Glittering.

Gideon shook his head, and stepped into the circle. “Wining isn’t learning. Failing, and trying again. That is learning. If you want to become a master one day, you’ll remember that.” He smirked. “But if you want to talk numbers... Then, what is it.... Thirteen to sixty-four this month?”

Kylo sulked, and the blade fell in his hand.

The man pat Kylo’s shoulder. “Your still too impatient.” He looked into the young mans eyes, they shimmered on there own, and only seemed more blazon the longer he stared. So he looked away. Gideon took the knife from Kylo to admire the blade. “Your too eager, Kylo. A high Mazentyr is more than his psychics, more than his sword...” He handed the knife back to Kylo, and wandered toward the glass-shield. “If you can prove yourself to me then you can prove yourself to the council; until then, it’s no tricks in the dueling ring.”

Kylo sheathed his blade behind a similar belt to Gideon’s. He ran his fingers across one of its circular faces—the surface was like pearl—and it went from all white to glowing a soft blue. Kylo began to hover an inch off the ground, “Let’s try dueling with float-belts then, I bet I do better,” he said.

Gideon gazed at the city skyline beyond the glass-shield, “You’ll be the death of me Arris, I swear... If you can’t beat me without it, then what you can do with it doesn’t matter.”

Kylo rolled his eyes. He studied his master from across the room, although the scenery from beyond the glass-shield diluted his awareness: vast azure, tall structures, levitating plazas, odd bulky shapes, and even odder vehicles flying between them. He was compelled to collect datum.

Gideon marvelled at the height, or rather depth, of the vertical descent. Many buildings were connected by enclosed bridges, the further down he looked, the more connections he saw. Beyond a certain point it was just shadowy and abstract. “Kylo... I want you in ceremonial dress tonight.” he shouted from the window side.

Kylo sat with his legs crossed as though meditating—he was several inches off the ground. “Ceremonial, what’s the occasion?”

“Dinner with the imperial family is a good occasion as any... And I’m sure you’d like to look presentable infront of the princess,” Gideon replied.

Kylo lost concentration, and fell to the floor. “Theresa is coming back, today?” He clicked the belt, throw it off, and made his way to Gideon. “It’s too early though, right? She shouldn’t be back for another month or so?”

Gideon stiffened, “officially, yes.” He turned his head skyward, caught sight of the three moons—two of which dominated the sky—taking interest in the smallest, almost invisible, satellite: Kedus. He thought of his pupil bearing the same name—Kylo Arris’Kedus—and dreaded the terrible future that might fall upon him.

Kylo moved to Gideons side. “And unofficially? ”

“Listen Kylo...” Gideon turned to face his student. “We must stay vigilant. That’s all. I’ll be at your room in an hour, be ready then.” His gaze returned to the city.

Kylo studied his masters face: tawny hair, rose cheeks, thick mustache, and a ‘lioness’ demeanor; he had facial lines that belonged to a man far from middle age but no longer young. Deep blue eyes. Natural looking. And at the moment, a slight biting of his lip. ‘What are you hiding from me?’ Kylo thought. “Alright then, I’ll be quick about it,” he said. He walked toward a circular door. It split into the adjacent walls once he got near, then he paused. “Master Gideon... Do you think she will be excited to see me? It’s been almost three months.” Kylo kept his eyes on the lip—from across the room he could see it clearly. With those eyes.

Gideon smiled. “It’s not even a question. Relax, Kylo; trust your thoughts... Not your feelings. I’m sure her majesty will be at a lose for words when she sees you,”

The lip relaxed. ‘What’s he hiding...’ Kylo thought. “Thank you, master. I’ll have to come up with something to say to her then.” Kylo left, and the door closed behind him.

Gideon stood there still looking over the city. The sense of a terrible future only grew.

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Feedback (5)

??6/21/2026(edited)

First of all i love the creativity. You've clearly got a fantasy world with real shape to it, the float-belts, the psychic dueling, the Mazentyr order with its scripture and council, the moons named after a missing piece of the imperial family's anxiety, all of it suggests you've built more world than what you are showing us on the page, which is the right problem to have. The original move here is Kylo himself, a telekinetic swordsman who'd rather win with a trick than master the discipline, set against Gideon who clearly loves him and is just as clearly hiding something. That last beat, the lip-biting Kylo keeps reading and Gideon's quiet dread under the moon named Kedus, is the strongest writing in the piece, because you're trusting the reader to feel the tension without explaining it. And you should use that very well. The teacher-student dynamic has real warmth in it too, it feels like a real relationship. Where this needs work is mostly mechanical, and it's worth fixing because right now it's getting between the reader and a story that's actually working underneath. The biggest one is consistency of names and basic grammar, Kylo becomes Kilo mid-fight, "your" and "you're" get swapped a few times, "there own" should be "their own," these are the kind of thing that makes a reader trust the writer less even when the writing itself is good. A proofread pass before posting would fix this in twenty minutes and immediately raise the perceived skill level of the piece. The other big lever is dialogue tags and beats. You write (‘’Take out your heart,’’) he quoted an ancient prayer in his mind; focusing his senses," which explains what the line is doing instead of letting the prayer just land as a prayer. Compare that to a tightened version: "Take out your heart." The line itself, set apart, with the next sentence just being the knife rising, lets the ritual quality of the words do the work instead of being labeled as ritual. Same idea applies to a line like "Gideon stiffened, "officially, yes."" which is a great instinct, a small physical tell plus a clipped answer, but a few lines later you have him explain himself anyway with "We must stay vigilant. That's all," which closes the door you'd just opened. If you trust "officially, yes" to carry the unease on its own and let Kylo's question hang unanswered a beat longer, the scene keeps its mystery instead of resolving it too early. You need a second pass that finds the moments you're already doing well, like the lip and the moon, and stops yourself from immediately explaining them. Great start

??6/29/2026(edited)

Fellow writer popping in here. Honestly, this is a super solid opening snippet, and I would absolutely read it if it was a full book. Your worldbuilding is very good, you give just enough information to understand the situation but not too much, which makes me really, really interested in finding out what happens next. Dropping hints about Gliese, the Mazentyr, float-belts, and the imperial family without grinding the narrative to a halt for a massive info-dump is a tough balancing act, but you nailed the vibe perfectly. You avoided the info - dump trap very very well, I didn't feel bothered in the least bit when reading. The way you weave environmental details—like the misaligned glass-shield—directly into the physical stakes of the duel shows a great instinct for scene mechanics. The chemistry between Kylo’s adolescent stubbornness and Gideon’s weary mentor persona gives the sci-fi action some great emotional grounding. That being said, looking at this through a workshop lens, you've got a handful of sneaky typos and grammatical slip-ups that pull the reader right out of that immersive flow. For instance, you accidentally swap 'Kylo' to 'Kilo' mid-fight, write 'spin' instead of 'spine,' and use 'really' when you meant 'rely' ('if you really on your powers'). There are also a few homophone slips like using 'your' instead of 'you're' ('Your still too impatient'), 'there' instead of 'their' ('on there own'), 'infront' as one word, and 'lose' instead of 'loss' ('at a lose for words'). Clean those up, and it's seriously a perfect hook. Keep up the amazing work!

??6/30/2026(edited)

Thank you for the feedback!! I'm glad you thought the world building was well done, I'm someone that really loves to do a lot of conceptual building before I even come to prose. And yes, there's a lot more to the world than I've shown here. I'm really new to the craft and was surprised to find such a positive and helpful review. As for the prose, yes, I can't believe I made so many mistakes! I actually went over it like three times :( but I guess my sense for catching errors isn't that good. Otherwise I very much appreciate the review. Thank you for reading.

??6/30/2026(edited)

Thank you for reading!! And the useful review. It's really that good? (outside of all the errors I mean) I was super worried my prose were too, idk, simple or unrefined for anyone to see any good in it. And I appreciate the comments on the world building, that's always the thing that motivates me the most, equal to if not more than character sometimes. Do Gideon and Kylo feel distinct enough? I really struggled giving each on a unique voice... I hope I was successful. Yeah grammar is my worst nightmare. I just make the dumbest mistakes, idk why I missed them... Anyway, thank you once again. Oh and would you really read it as a full novel, well it's an excerpt of a side project I've been thinking of developing into a full book, but I haven't been able to commit full... Though you're comment was very encouraging.

??7/2/2026(edited)

Okay so the skeleton here is really good, Gideon and Kylo have a cool mentor-student dynamic that feels natural. I like that Gideon deflects instead of just exposition-dumping the plot, he's definitely the best character in this excerpt, he has a loving soft side in contrast to hiding some heavy secret. The psychic combat concept is cool, the tension about Theresa coming early for unknown reasons works. That's a real foundation to build from. Also just the overall world building is really fascinating, like the opening quotes and stuff immediately caught my attention, the float belts, the moon and city descriptions, that's all great. It shows that there's more about this world/society beyond what's on the page, and it feels very congruent thus far. If I see these elements in the first chapter of a novel I'm interested. However... the prose itself needs a serious pass through "the silence of the room, like an astronaut in deep space" and "breath, a respirator" in the same breath is two images doing one job... feels excessive, and not really in a stylistic choice kind of way. There's also a bunch of basic errors "your too eager," "wining isn't learning," "if you really on your powers," "spin" instead of "spine," "at a lose for words" etc... and Kylo randomly becomes "Kilo" mid fight scene... This is the easiest stuff to fix and but usually causes the reader to stop taking the writing seriously... Honestly your biggest problem is that the concept and character dynamics are ahead of the sentence to sentence level execution. Like your reaching beyond your current skill level (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it shows ambition and creativity) but overall I really enjoyed this and I think as a first draft it's actually fantastic, but it would need a good amount of polish to become something really impressive. Overall 7.8/10 keep working, you're doing good work.

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